Candied Yams and Hand Grenades

Holy lord, I haven't written anything in this bad boy for quite some time. How about we try to get back in the swing of things shall we? There has been a pressing issue on my mind for awhile now, and I haven't really come up with a way to address it without bashing another person. I touch on things such as relationships fairly often in this blog, but that's probably because I know a lot about them. I've thought and thought, and still it comes off in a bit of a harsh way... SO I'm going to write about it anyway, because that's just how I do things.


I'm sure almost everyone has experienced the part of a relationship where the spark seems to have faded away. You dread the moment when you have to end it with the other person and you lose sleep over it and OHMYGAWD the world is going to implode upon itself! Well, frankly, that really isn't going to happen. I understand that it may be stressful and just horrible, but it's not the end of existence as we know it. NOW, this leads me into my next, and possibly most important point. When should we say "enough is enough"? Now, I've said before that we should try to make a relationship work, even if the relationship falls on difficult terms. I still believe whole-heartedly, that if you've never gotten into a fight in your relationship, the relationship is not healthy.


Now, which is worse? Is it worse to be broken down and beaten after your significant other breaks your heart OR for the person to lie and provide you with a false sense of love? Now, as you're reading this, I wouldn't doubt that most of you responded to my rhetorical question in your head by saying, "Well, by gosh golly-gee, I wouldn't want to be lied to!" or something of the sort. I'm not judging you for sounding like you're from the 50s, it's cool don't worry about it. I'll never mention this again. ANYWAYS, it's pretty easy to choose the obvious answer without having gone through something like this. There actually are circumstances where you fall madly enough in love with someone to the point that you put up blinders to anything negative about the person. This is not necessarily right, annnnnd it normally fades with time. With someone who worships their partner, even if they might not want to admit it, they probably would rather have the person lie to them so they can continue living in their fantasy world. They would probably just not be willing to admit this to themselves, nevertheless someone else.


Now, the main point I'm trying to make here is not necessarily that all people are out to hurt you and you should be skeptical and paranoid and yadda yadda yadda. What I'm trying to say is that some people will manipulate you. That's just the way the world is. I understand that you might want to be all happy and optimistic about things but take it from me, your optimism will fade right alongside your hope for humanity. I don't really write these blogs because I think that any of you agree with what I have to say, I simply write to provoke your own thoughts. I'm tired of our society just not caring about anything that is really important. Since when does "The Jersey Shore" trump Shakespeare? I really don't want to live in a world like that, ladies and gentlemen. Stop being desensitized by the world around you and actually start living.


"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go." -Len Santos

Once Upon A Rino with Dreadlocks...

Love is a many splendid thing. Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, here's my issue... I have seen dozens of relationships fail because people are trying to force situations or feelings upon another person. I've seen so many people desperate to find someone else... so desperate that they force things. Now, I'm a very laid back type of person, so naturally it is easy for me to tell you to "go with the flow", so to speak. This has been something that honestly has driven me crazy for as long as I can remember and I don't understand how no one else is bothered by it. I am a strong believer in love, don't get me wrong. Commitment scares the hell out of me, but I truly can say that I do believe in love. I don't necessarily think that all you need is love, but hey, that's a story for another day.

I understand that some people go out LOOKING for a relationship, but I've always believed that the best ones come when you're not looking. The strongest and most rewarding relationships, in my case have always been when I haven't been expecting it. I really detest when someone walks up to me and says something like, "Hey, do you know any guys that would be interested in going out with me?", I don't really understand why I can't stand it, but it's just always been like that. I just hate watching people try to force something that just isn't there, and it makes the situation awkward and uncomfortable. True love finds you, and it's not a matter of whether you're ready for it or whether you want it to be there, it just happens. Many people who I know personally, are so busy looking for someone to be their girlfriend/boyfriend that they forget everything else. They forget their goals, their beliefs, even their friends... I hate when people neglect the good that they have in their life to try and chase after something that they want out of greed. Once you realize that you can establish your own life without having to BE with someone else, then you CAN actually be with someone else.

I know this blog post isn't exactly spectacular as far as grammar is concerned... or format... or pretty much anything. This is basically just me trying to get back into the swing of writing on here. I just have some stuff on my mind that I need to get out, and sometimes, I forget that what I write needs to have a bit of structure. I do appreciate all the readers... (all 2 of them *COUGH* what?). 


"If I'm going to sing like someone else, then I don't need to sing at all." - Billie Holiday

The Elephant in the Barnyard with Syphilis

You're walking down the street minding your own business, enjoying the smell of the fresh air. Just stretching the ol' legs, you know. Then, as you turn the corner you're greeted with an even fresher vision. Now, this beautiful and miraculous vision just so happens to be two people slobbering all over each other's face. I'm pretty sure everyone has experienced something like this in their life at least once. Hell, it's a strange day in a high school if you DON'T see it at least once a week. I'm not talking about PDA, though it tends to bother me as well, I'm talking about an unhealthy attachment to another person.

I've heard so much crap about this topic, and I'm writing this with part of me speaking out of anger. I've heard all the excuses and I'm tired of it. Nobody wants to see you two cleaning each other's tonsils. I'm not a prude, I just don't find it necessary to be all over my boyfriend every second of every day, nevertheless in front of people. If you love each other, that's splendid, but you also don't have to put on a show for everyone else. It's just inconsiderate and rude. This is, in part, me ranting, however I think my position has validity. In my point of view, if you're all over your "significant other" in front of other people, even friends, you come off as having something to prove. You don't have to be glued at the hip to have a successful relationship, as a matter of fact, if you allow yourself some space, in the long run, you'll probably have a healthier relationship. I'm tired of people forgetting their friends because they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or something more *cough* pussy *cough*.

Obsessive feelings are often mistaken for love because people rationalize that, "it must be love, if he's the only one I think about." Obsession is like lust, but it is more misleading and destructive. When your friends think of you as one person instead of two separate people, it's not "cute", it's sad. People in an obsessed state have a one track mind where the other person is concerned to the point that they often lose touch of who they really are as an individual. They often forget about their friends and their goals, and then become deeper consumed with the obsession because they feel as if they have nothing else. When it's just assumed that the two of you are arriving together somewhere or if there's a girl's night planned, and she brings him along, there are problems. There are multiple relationships I have seen in the past couple of months, just consume the people participating. There needs to be some type of distance for the relationship to blossom. Just because you spend every minute together or on the phone, that does not mean that you have a perfect relationship. Most times, that just means you're insecure or frightened that the relationship won't work unless you completely surround yourself with that other person. That completely sounds unhealthy to me, I don't know.

Now, I know that people will say things like, "I just love him so much." or things like "You're just jealous.", but denial is more common than people would like to admit. All I'm saying, is there is so much that we don't understand, but there is so much that we need to learn. I just wish that more people realized that they need to not only "think with their heart", but think logically. 

A healthy relationship takes work, and that is something I'm sure no one can deny. It's not effortless. Chances are, if it's effortless, it's not worth much. By all means, if there is a destructive or abusive problem that you can't fix, get out of that relationship, but if there's a problem such as distance, it's worth the fight. If there are no problems in your relationship, you never have opportunities to grow. When you're afraid of saying something because you don't want to hurt the other person, you're not helping the relationship, and you're bound to an unhealthy relationship for the rest of your life, or you're bound to have your unhealthy relationship to fall apart.

Regardless of how much you love somebody, they should not consume your life. There is a famous quote that says, "all you need is love", however that does not necessarily mean love towards your significant other. We need love from our friends, we need a life outside that person. We need a life outside that obsession. Remember who you are, not who you merely are together. Remember the people who were with you to make you who you are. Remember the people who helped you along during the difficult times who have sculpted  you to be with the person you are with in the first place.

"Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing." - Elie Wiesel

Dull Daggers and Chocolate Milk Shakes

I haven't posted anything in this since 'niam, but that's because the idea was to take a break from my blog this Summer until school started back up. The idea was that Summer was going to be too busy and fun for me to come up with anything to write. Unfortunately, my idea was only half applied. Yes, I have been extremely busy lately, but it has not exactly been stress-free. I mean, of course there are always going to be things that stress me out, but I didn't expect that things were going to be this crazy. Working is the least of my problems, (which I'm surprised about, actually), my main issue right now is time. It's so difficult to find time for anything and everything. From eating, to hanging out with people I haven't seen in ages.. it's just been very difficult. However, this is not the topic for my post, this was me more or less trying to explain my thoughts and why I haven't posted anything in a long time. So the rest of this post will follow the usual format. Enjoy.


You're coming up on your fourth mile of a five mile run. Your body aches, your sweat is stinging your eyes, your breath draws deeper and your feet feel like cement blocks. Every fiber in your body is telling you that you can't do this. "Four miles is still an accomplishment, just walk the rest of the way. Take a break." You feel like you could not take another step if your life depended on it, and you're just about to give up. "MOVE IT! COME ON, DON'T STOP NOW!" You keep jogging along, but you look up now to see your friend in your face pushing you on. Whether it be to prove it to your self or prove it to your friend (depending how competitive you are), you keep running. You pull your body back into form and you push yourself to keep going. Your body feels like the pain has been numbed for the time being. The only thought in your head is not of your racing heartbeat, it is not of your throbbing head or your stinging eyes. The only thought in your head is crossing that finish line. Finishing what you set out to accomplish. This boost of adrenaline, was tapped from an outside force. And perhaps through the heavy breathing and pain, you didn't realize it, but if it wasn't for that person pushing you along, you might not have made it.


There are self-motivators, sure, but you don't come by a lot of them in your day to day life. Many people need some sort of push. People need some sort of incentive or some sort of physical reward in the end opposed to an intrinsic reward. There is nothing wrong with this, but something I've noticed quite recently is the power of persistence. What do you first thing of when you hear the word "persistence"? Probably some words that come to mind would be perseverance, determination, tenacity. It's very easy to apply those terms to a positive situation. After all, what bad could possibly come out of determination? Well, I'm here to say that we must be cautious with what we are determined to achieve. Most people hardly think that their personal goals could negatively affect anyone else, but the truth is, most if not all choices we make have an effect on the people around us. Perhaps you want to be a baseball star, so you have to dedicate basically your entire life to the sport. Say when you make this decision, you happen to have a girlfriend. See where I'm going with this? You dedicate 90% of your free time to practicing and then where does that leave your relationship? Where does that leave the emotions of the person you might love but still unintentionally neglect?


We're always pushing to get what we want. It's called the human race for a reason, and our actions often show that we do not forget that. Perhaps the boyfriend/girlfriend example was a poor one. I for one, believe that you should not give up your dream for anyone else, I was merely stating the side-effects. However, perhaps there is a better example. One that hits a bit closer to home. Perhaps you've been trying to hang out with one person for a very long time. Let's call her Nancy (just because that name is awesome). Now, you and Nancy have been playing phone tag for weeks and it's been a long time since you guys have been able to just relax and hang out. When you're not working, she has to work and vice versa. You both have finally found a day when you both are free. About two hours before you're supposed to jump in your car and drive out to Starbucks and meet her, your grandma calls asking you if you could come over and do some yard work for her. Now, are you dedicated to making time for your friends, or are you dedicated to take care of your grandmother? Nancy could potentially get mad at you and a chance for hanging out could be even more decimal then the last. You could break your dear old grandmother's heart. This is more of what I'm talking about. It might seem like a simple decision, but the outcome could be a bit grater. Where is your determination? Where do your motivations stand:? Basically, what you're pushing for might be hurting someone else, and I'm pretty sure we're all guilty of allowing our motivations to hurt someone else at one point or another in our lives.

“We must remember that one determined person can make a significant difference, and that a small group of determined people can change the course of history.” - Sonia Johnson

Biologically Mutated Apes and Turnip Juice

Well, I'm aware that it has been an age since I've posted anything, and naturally I'm going to try to make up excuses and attempt to talk my way out of getting sassed for not writing, but I'm pretty sure hardly anyone reads this anyway. However, I did want to post something to make sure all the readers (or both of them), know I'm still alive and kicking. I was going to make a video to make up for my absence, but I'm currently a bit under the weather, and I thought I'd rather not gross anyone out with my hardcore sniffles and coughing. Which leads me to my next point as to how I got sick.


The 8th was the walk for Multiple Sclerosis that I've been promoting since God knows when, and let's just say the weather wasn't exactly swimsuit weather. Walking 2.5 miles in the rain and wind wasn't exactly the best thing for my ever-failing immune system. But, I didn't start typing with the intention of whining about how I have a "sore froat", and "da sniffolds". I'm actually writing this to comment on how happy I was to see everyone come out and walk. The weather was horrible, especially considering that it's May, however that did not stop people from coming out to support the walk for the cure. It was very well put together this year, and I was astounded as to the number of people who came out to help. Orange could be seen everywhere with shirts reading "I walk because.. I love my mom", "I walk because.. God wanted me to". It was, like every year, a beautiful gathering and I loved every minute of it, despite the wind. I want to thank everyone who came out, and even if you didn't come out, I appreciate your kind thoughts, donations, and wishes.


Something that I actually wanted to discuss involves this walk. Strength is in numbers, my friends, and more and more I am seeing strength. When my mother was first diagnosed with MS, she was for lack of better words, extremely depressed. None of us had even heard of Multiple Sclerosis until she was diagnosed. However, the more I brought myself to talk about it, the more I realized that many of my friends knew people or had family members who also suffered from the disease. It was through talking about it and getting help that I realized my mother, and my family were not alone through this battle. We've been going to as many as the "Walk MS" events that we can attend for about 4 years now, and every year we see the crowd growing. Hopefully, this is because more people are becoming aware of the situation. Also, I've noticed that my mother has been doing a lot better and her morale has been higher since she's started talking to other people who have the disease.


When you open your heart a little bit to others, you'll often find that there are more similarities than you would tend to initially think. I know better than most, the feeling of being alone. Know this, if you actually allow people to get close, you will never be alone. There is always someone, somewhere thinking of you, and if you'd only let them, they could possibly talk you out of crying yourself to sleep.


I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.  ~Mother Teresa

Move Like A Jelly Fish, Jump Like A Hippopotamus

Now, I'm sure you've all heard he saying, "distance makes the heart grow fonder". I've had first hand experience of this many times in my life, but I have also unfortunately, experienced the contrary. I'm not talking solely about relationships such as "boyfriend/girlfriend relationships," I'm talking about friendships and family ties as well. When people think of distance, they tend to think of measurements in physical miles. Lately, I have realized that there is a sort of invisible distance that can break a friendship ten times more than physical. As time goes by, some people tend to drift apart and unfortunately, this is a part of life.


There's this little thing that apparently only a select few people know about. It's called "effort". You see, as absurd as it might sound, it's imperative to actually try to work at a friendship, or any relationship for that manner. It's unfortunate that people drift apart, but sometimes this can be for the better. When we're waving goodbye to one person, we should recognize that there are others we could be greeting.


I bring this particular topic up because I've realized how many close friends have decided to head in an opposite direction as me. Now, if we were to run into each other, I would not hesitate to exchange greetings, however we are not even half as close to being as familiar with each other as we have been in the past. I've become more aware of all the things that people have to deal with in their lives and it is easy to understand why people fade away or drift apart. The fact of the matter is, the world is ever changing. Some people want to have the same best friends, expect their friends' opinions to stay the same forever, and just think that things will always remain golden forever. 


People automatically get angry when someone they know decides to walk away, but the thing is, sometimes that friend doesn't even realize they're walking away. First of all, we must have patience with people. We don't always recognize everything that one of our friends are going through. Secondly, if we have a problem with the way someone is treating you, speak up. Sometimes the person might be so caught up with school or work or family issues that they lose track of social ties. Thirdly, do something about it. Make a change. If someone isn't as close as they used to be, perhaps it's time to re-tie your relationship, so to speak.


Also, people have different feelings and attitudes towards things (obviously), but attitudes can be changed. Hell, beliefs can be changed. Sometimes, it's not necessary to agree with someone else's attitudes or beliefs, but at least be tolerant. If what someone is doing is not destructive, then there's no reason to cut off the friendship. Things like religion and politics have caused me to lose some really great friends, but there's no reason that should happen. If someone's a really great friend, it shouldn't matter if they are pro-choice or anti-gay marriage. You can disagree with them, sure. But the differences might even make the friendship stronger. The differences in opinions could give both members of the relationship a greater understanding of the opposing person's views.


Bottom line, live is full of decisions. You decide to eat breakfast or not, to blow all of your money on comic books, to wear a checker-board shirt with leopard print pants. Then again, you decide whether or not you go on spring break with Johnny and Calvin, if you should call someone you've been missing, or even take a different route to your next class (who knows, you might run into someone worth your while). Your decisions might only effect you, but others can change people's lives. Some of the most important decisions that you will have to make, are when it comes to the people in your life. We're all going to have to ask ourselves difficult questions. "Does she love me?", "Why is he wasting his life?"... We shouldn't judge someone before we really get to know someone. You might know OF someone, but you really don't know who a person truly is right off the bat. Even a great friend can turn around and stab you in the back, sure.. but I'd rather take that risk on someone who I really care about. Some things in life, you just can not prepare for. Sometimes, the greatest thing you can ever give someone is a chance.


True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island. To find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing. - Baltasar Gracian

Page Breaks and Half-Empty Water Buckets

Poison pours from my eyes, we're on our sixth second chance and I'm soaked to the skin.
I am the best and worst part of you, your strongest weakness. I've only been longing to be someone else. Longing to be someone to lose yourself in. This mutual pain; this mutual love; this mutual desperation for acceptance is breaking me apart at the spine. I can not amble through life knowing that I provide the venom for this sickness.
Broken crystals, shattered and jagged, your irises beg me to be repaired.
You cry for me, your biggest downfall. Refute breaking stride. Maintain your life, do not allow mine to interfere. If you were wise, you would acknowledge the inevitable. Enduring life is my mistake, but a mistake worth making. Be afraid no longer, love, and cry no more for me.
We keep spinning out of control and now sorrows are merging without hesitation.
The cycle never stops, and now I'm lost in the fog in my head. Navigating through the mist and the confusion, a collision is foreseeable. Half of me living, half of me gone, the struggle let's me know there is still something left. We love. We fight. We breathe. We love. We love. We breathe.
This round, deception is not probable. Battle alongside me no longer, for the blood cascading down my fingertips would drive me to obliteration.
Today, being sentient is a voyage that I'm uncertain of embarking on.