Well that is the situation I found myself in while reading a novel written by my favorite author. I've been on this crazy reading binge where I've read around 6 books in the last week and I'm going to share something with you that honestly changed my entire thought process:
“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” -Chuck Palahniuk.
For those of you who don't know me, here's a little bit of an outline so you can understand why it is so ridiculous that I've been thinking differently lately:
My name is Sarah Randles, I was born on June 17th 1991.
I do not come from a wealthy family, and nearly everyone in my family is dying from some form of cancer.
I have no real talents and nothing that makes me stand out from a crowd.
I got half of my face ripped off by a dog when I was 3 years old, so it's not like I have looks on my side.
75% of the people I have ever loved have taken advantage of me and use me as a human punching bag (literally and figuratively).
Through all this, I still try to keep a positive outlook on life, and do the right things.
I hardly trust anyone in fear of getting hurt again. <
I've been running for far too long.. and the funny thing is, I'm not exactly sure what I'm running from. When someone offers me help, I turn it down nearly every time. It has been beaten into my head (literally) that I'm not a good person, and I'm disgusting, and worthless, and a disappointment.. but you know what? Fuck that (pardon the use of harsh language, but nothing else can really express that). I'm tired of hiding behind a wall, and if I can move past this, any of you can too. I know that everyone at one point or another puts on a mask. I understand better than almost anybody. My words may seem hollow without any action, but trust me on this.. I can not do this anymore. Why hide what makes me, who I am? Why hide what makes you, who you are?
It's about time that things change a little bit around here. The people who have made me/you self-conscious have left scars that you might never forget. The scars are left for you to remember. The scars are left for you to learn from your mistakes, and actually change your future. What is in the past has passed and the future is what lies ahead. What waits for us in the future is a mystery to us, but even with a small amount of effort to push you forward, the future could be brighter for you than you could ever imagine. Don't give those people who have caused you to become a victim of paranoia, even more power over you. These people, who are not even worth it... do you really want them to shape your life more than the people who are begging to help? Of course not. No one does.
However, I do not for one second wish that what has happened in the past to me, never occurred. I am a more knowledgeable person because of what happened, and I'm going to use my past as a way to help my future.. and hopefully help someone else's future. My story is a dull one. Not a romance, not a thriller, not action-packed.. but it's real. And now I see that if there's any way for me to make it to the end of this novel, I'm going to have to share it with someone else.. there has to be someone to proofread, so to speak.
To everyone who has ever offered me a shoulder to cry on: God bless you. Truly and honestly, if it wasn't for your concern, who knows where the hell I would be right now..
and just to keep the end of the post quote going...
| “Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.” -Chuck Palahniuk |
I know what you mean about the whole "this is about me" feeling..but I'll save that for my blog lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd Sarah, I know you, and I could tell you that you do have a talents, maybe it's not the one you're looking for, but this blog is an example..you're a great writer. hands down, I wish some of the stuff I wrote sounds even half as good as your writing. You also have to talent to make people laugh and brighten up their day, like you do mine, and I think that is one of the most important talents anyone could have.And and you are beautiful, I know you'll fight me every time on that one, but you are.
iI like the idea of the whole breaking down walls to move on. though it's not an easy task, it makes things easier once you do. It's hard to do that though when there are people that are there to mess things up. But, not all people are bad. I try to have a positive outlook on things too, but when you look around all the bad seems to block out the good. That's why I do my best to try and be nice to everyone because I have no idea what they might be going through. And in this crazy world anyone would gladly take kindness or joy in any sort of form. Which is what one of my favorite quotes, and you might be surprised by this, comes from Plato "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." and once we finish those battles we are able to bring about the change that we need, change for the better. The past is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's good no to think about it as much but shouldn't forget about it. Like you said it helps us learn and shapes who we are. I always believed we I get through things "what doesn't kill me, only made me stronger" and so far it as proved correct. and it's funny that you mention needing to share your story with someone because the protagonist is my dull story is looking for a companion :)
I cannot express in words how good this blog is. Absolutely Sarah, follow this advice, and step up and take action. And the people who have constantly brought you down are full of shit, and I disagree with them in everyway
ReplyDeleteWell thank the both of you very much. I'm trying very hard to sift through my life and pick what and who deserves to be there and what and who does not. It's difficult to move on from certain things, but I've realized that my life will be much better if I have some more positive reinforcement. I need to start taking my own advice and I need to stop thinking I'm worthless.
ReplyDeleteMarkus, that was beautiful, and he's 100% right Sarah. You're not worthless, you make me laugh. I enjoy the nerd talk and all that jazz. I've known you briefly but I'm constantly in a better mood because I find many of the things you do and say to be hilarious or uplifting. This blog is amazing, it truly is. I just read it and think ZOMG yes, that's what I have to do. It puts somethings to be put in perspective I never thought could be put into perspective. You are beautiful, and I know a guy's view is different on this, but who really cares how ya look. If someone thinks I'm ugly, I think they're jealous. And I htink people who say that to you are jealous of you in some way, shape or form. But I want you to know that I'm not just blowing steam up your ass to make you feel better, I truly believe that your a wonderful person, you're not ugly that's for damn sure, and you are a talented and insightful blogger. I want to personally thank you for these blogs, I enjoy reading them very much so.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, well thank you. That really means a lot, Dave. I try with the blog, really I do. And I'm glad that someone reads it. lol The whole "beautiful" thing though, boys.. well I wouldn't go that far. lol Baaaaby steps. I'm "alright" lol And thanks for the comments, I really dig your blog too, David :D (and it's not just because of the beard)
ReplyDeletehaha :D but the beard doesn't hurt though. And to make a cheesy cliched quote, beauty is in the eye of the beholder Sarah. Keep doin whatchu do, Sarah, and thanks for reading my blog
ReplyDelete:] Dave, you're a sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteOh thank you, I try. You are too missy
ReplyDelete